3/19/09 I need a place to cry so I have come to my bathroom.
After watching so many achieve success on their first IUI attempt, I failed. I congratulate them and from the bottom of my heart and happy for them. I feel like a failure but I move on to another cycle. I take my Clomid, I watch what I'm drinking, I plan activities around my cycle schedule, I get up at an ungoddly hour to monitor my cycle only to find that my body is not doing what its supposed to be doing. Again, I feel like I'm failing. I never imagined my body would not cooperate. I always wondered what if the donor counts are low or the clinic screws up the thawing process. What if the timing is wrong, what if the drugs don't do what they should. Not once did I second guess my bodys ability to do what its supposed to. It's done it two times before.
I just want to be done. I want to put this behind me and move on with our new addition. I want to stop getting acne because of stress. I want to be able to go to the store and buy a new top instead of wondering if I really should because maybe next month I'll be pregnant.
I don't know how to fix this... I want to fix this. I want my body to do what it should be doing.