I feel like I have skinny tent poles holding up my emotions and I just want to reduce the pressure and let them come crashing down. I really thought I was doing it, For 9 days, I pictured what was happening inside my body step by step and day by day the fertilization, cell dividion, implantation... On the 9th day I did a HPT and got a negative.. that was the first time I imagined it was possible that fertilization did not even occur.... Day by day, one negative HPT after another I fully realized that this was not our month. Today, I had my Beta and my RE confirmed there was no good news this month.
I am at work today so I need to stay strong until I get in my car and make the hour long drive home. That should be enough time to let it all out and clean myself up so the kids or my husband don't see me. I'm looking forward to a couple of glasses of wine tonight and not having to mess with the stupid progesterone suppositories today until next cycle.
Now, I think about how prepare for the next cycle....What will I do differently, how can I prepare myself to go through these awful feelings of inability and failure again. How can I stay strong so that my husband doesn't see the toll this is taking on me emotionally, I don't want him to ever question my strength to get through this as I know he'll put my needs before OUR needs to have another child.
That's all the dwelling I'm going to do on this cycle.... After my drive home cry tonight, its onward and upward...