Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Stopping to smell the uncertainty

The question I"m trying to find the answer to is "Where do we go from here?"
Over the past year I have been doing nothing but thinking and obsessing about conceiving. When I'm not doing these things, I'm Cycling. Now that I have to take a break, I'm forced to think and assess where we stand today and where we want to go.

I have said before that I am lucky to have been blessed with Secondary Infertility. I still feel the same way but at the same time, I now realize it's also a curse. Why? I know exactly what it feels like to hold your baby in your arms for the first time, I know what its like to lay in bed with the baby between myself and my husband and just stare in complete and utter awe, I know the feeling of losing your entire self when you drop them off at Daycare for the first time. The intense love and devotion you feel for your child is unmistakable and irreplaceable. I am nothing without my husband and boys, they brighten my day and they give me a sense of real purpose, don't get me wrong, I'm valued at work and have purpose in other ways but my family is the only sense of purpose that is pure.

So, knowing that I am incredibly fulfilled with what I already have, why am I still looking for more? I don't know the answer to this one and that's what has me questioning where to go from here.

1 comment:

  1. You described your feelings about SI perfectly...and I very much relate!

    Wishing you peace on your continued journey.