Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Stopping to smell the uncertainty

The question I"m trying to find the answer to is "Where do we go from here?"
Over the past year I have been doing nothing but thinking and obsessing about conceiving. When I'm not doing these things, I'm Cycling. Now that I have to take a break, I'm forced to think and assess where we stand today and where we want to go.

I have said before that I am lucky to have been blessed with Secondary Infertility. I still feel the same way but at the same time, I now realize it's also a curse. Why? I know exactly what it feels like to hold your baby in your arms for the first time, I know what its like to lay in bed with the baby between myself and my husband and just stare in complete and utter awe, I know the feeling of losing your entire self when you drop them off at Daycare for the first time. The intense love and devotion you feel for your child is unmistakable and irreplaceable. I am nothing without my husband and boys, they brighten my day and they give me a sense of real purpose, don't get me wrong, I'm valued at work and have purpose in other ways but my family is the only sense of purpose that is pure.

So, knowing that I am incredibly fulfilled with what I already have, why am I still looking for more? I don't know the answer to this one and that's what has me questioning where to go from here.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

A little brighter now

Time - Its what everyone needs... There is not much you can say to someone to make them feel better when they have just been hit with some sad news. If you think back to a time when you were faced with news you were not ready to face, how did you cope? My guess is it was not an immediate ability to put things in perspective and move on, if thats the case, the news was not unexpected. Somewhere last night between running the boys to 4 different lacrosse events, comming home to finish work and cooking dinner the pain subsided.

I hate to say I was blessed with Secondary infertility but in essence I was.... In the moment of what went wrong, and my wondering how I was going to cope, I had the blessing of a busy night alone with my boys and their needs are what pushed me through.

I don't second guess my desire to have another baby but I also know that I couldn't live without the ones I have.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

The light at the end of the tunnel is getting dimmer

The results are in..... drumroll please.... Zilch, nadda, nothing, negative! The hurt is coming in waves. I'm trying to keep busy with work and I can't put my finger on what exactly I'm sad about. Is it because of how much I have put into this both physically and emotionally? Is it because I'm not pregnant and moving into the place I expected to be by now? Is it because my Dr. now wants to schedule another sono-hystogram and there may be something wrong? Or is it because I have to sit out next month due to a business trip? Is this ever going to work? I will be very honest; I didn't think it would take this long. I thought my body was fine and would know what to do because its done it before. Now I sit, 4 months after our first attempt and no closer to being pregnant or having any answers as to why its not working.

I think its all of these things. Usually I can plan for my next cycle and that helps me feel like I'm doing something but this month I have to sit out so there is nothing to plan. I feel like I'm getting further away rather then closer to........ I'm losing hope.

Still only one pink line

Well, this cycle was fast. I ended up getting my period on the 24th of April and did 50mg clomid days 4-8. When I went in for monitoring on CD12 (May 5th) I already had two large follicles on the right side, one at 2.0 and the other at 1.9. I triggered on CD 13 and had my IUI on CD15. I was feeling pretty good about this one, I had 2 follicles and the timing felt better (no ovulation pains 12 hours past trigger like I had the attempt before).

Today is 11 dpiui and I have been taking HPT's since 8dpIUI.... Still negative. I have searched the web and found that there is a mix of people who have faint lines on CD11 and others who have no lines but never come back to report if they are pregnant or not...I know 11 dpiui may still be early but I'm still pretty bummed. Beta tomorrow.

Oh where oh where my womanhood gone?

Long time since I have written. This cycle has been a complete bust. I have mixed emotions... here are the facts:
March 21 - Cycle cancelled after 25 days - No ovulation
April 14 - Still no period - Went for blood work and tested negative for progesterone
Blood work showed I was very early in my cycle
Started Medroxy (progesterone tablets)
April 20 - finished perscription
april 21 - spotting
April 22 - Spotting
April 23 - less spotting

Still no period, no cramps. What the heck am I doing wrong?????? What is wrong with my body?
I have watched many women cycle past me 2X since I last tried.. I'm left wondering if I'm silly to even think having another baby is a possibility. When we came into this process I was prepared to try 3 cycles and then stop and move on with our life. Now, I don't think I can give up. I have been dreaming of my baby and the love and spirit he or she will bring into our home... I have not even met him or her and but I miss its presence in my life regardless... I will keep trying!

Straighten up and fly right!

3/19/09 I need a place to cry so I have come to my bathroom.
After watching so many achieve success on their first IUI attempt, I failed. I congratulate them and from the bottom of my heart and happy for them. I feel like a failure but I move on to another cycle. I take my Clomid, I watch what I'm drinking, I plan activities around my cycle schedule, I get up at an ungoddly hour to monitor my cycle only to find that my body is not doing what its supposed to be doing. Again, I feel like I'm failing. I never imagined my body would not cooperate. I always wondered what if the donor counts are low or the clinic screws up the thawing process. What if the timing is wrong, what if the drugs don't do what they should. Not once did I second guess my bodys ability to do what its supposed to. It's done it two times before.
I just want to be done. I want to put this behind me and move on with our new addition. I want to stop getting acne because of stress. I want to be able to go to the store and buy a new top instead of wondering if I really should because maybe next month I'll be pregnant.
I don't know how to fix this... I want to fix this. I want my body to do what it should be doing.

I feel like I have skinny tent poles holding up my emotions and I just want to reduce the pressure and let them come crashing down. I really thought I was doing it, For 9 days, I pictured what was happening inside my body step by step and day by day the fertilization, cell dividion, implantation... On the 9th day I did a HPT and got a negative.. that was the first time I imagined it was possible that fertilization did not even occur.... Day by day, one negative HPT after another I fully realized that this was not our month. Today, I had my Beta and my RE confirmed there was no good news this month.

I am at work today so I need to stay strong until I get in my car and make the hour long drive home. That should be enough time to let it all out and clean myself up so the kids or my husband don't see me. I'm looking forward to a couple of glasses of wine tonight and not having to mess with the stupid progesterone suppositories today until next cycle.

Now, I think about how prepare for the next cycle....What will I do differently, how can I prepare myself to go through these awful feelings of inability and failure again. How can I stay strong so that my husband doesn't see the toll this is taking on me emotionally, I don't want him to ever question my strength to get through this as I know he'll put my needs before OUR needs to have another child.

That's all the dwelling I'm going to do on this cycle.... After my drive home cry tonight, its onward and upward...